Recently on a Facebook status update, Jen stated that she "hopes that my children will be able to forgive me for all of my shortcomings one day." I understand exactly how she feels. There are days when I feel like I do nothing but harm my children, especially Austin. This evening Jen caught me staring at an older photo of Austin, he was probably about 3 in the picture. She asked what was wrong and I said nothing was wrong. What was going through my head was "look at the cute little boy before his father screwed him up". Definitely morose, but that was my state of mind. To add a little perspective, Austin absolutely adores me. He hates when I am not home because of work. He asks every night if he will see me the next day. He wants me to take him to his games and to karate. He wants me to coach his teams. He just wants to hang out with his dad, unless he is playing a video game or watching a movie, but that is beside the point. Back to the point...
What brought this on today? It saddens me that Austin is constantly apologizing. I guess it is my tone or the way that I look at him after he asks me a question, but all to often his question is followed with "never mind" or "I'm sorry". Every time that happens I feel like an inept parent. I want him to feel comfortable coming to me and talking. I want him to have the freedom to ask me anything. I do not want him to think that he is bothering me or annoying me with questions. If he hesitates now with questions about gameboys or iPhones, what will happen later when he is wondering about drugs or sex? When he comes to me with questions or requests, I need to stop what I am doing, give him my full attention, pay attention to my facial expression and tone, and forget about whatever it was that I was doing. He deserves that much from me.
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